Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
