What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
