apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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