Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
