Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
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