I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i think my mom watched the whole time
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
