Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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