totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
