Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
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