You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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