I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize