Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
