Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
