I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
