life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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