Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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