You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
