woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
