I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
