He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
When did angry sex become our thing?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
