OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
