I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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