if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
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