No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
