I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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