this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
