I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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