My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
