if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
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