there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
