so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
