What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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