I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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