ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
