Only a mothe r could love this liver
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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