If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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