Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Randomize
