who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
honey bunches of taint.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
You left your underwear on the fireplace
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize