i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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