GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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