She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize