If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
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