Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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