Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I need a beard to bite.
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