apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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