i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
