Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize