my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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