I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize