if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize