The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
