my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
