I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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