my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
