why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
