No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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