saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
