fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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