I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
