i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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