ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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