He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
That accounts for only three of the penises
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
