she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
cat food counts as protein by the way
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
